You know when you haven’t seen or spent time with a certain person in a while, then you do and they make you realize why. Well a few weeks ago, I invited a long time friend of mine to spend a weekend here with me as I was in the house alone. The weekend went fine…he cooked; we caught up and had a few laughs. After the weekend he decided that he didn’t want to go home just yet and I was okay with that. He isn’t working and I know what that is like and I know that where I live is such an oasis, so it was no problem. Talk about a sanctuary turning into an insane asylum…
First off I lent him my car and it came back smelling like smoke! He swore up and down that he didn’t smoke inside the car, but near it as he hung out with a few friends of his. I let that slide because I know that as a non-smoker, I would be able to pick up that scent with relative ease. Well not only did I pick up the smoke scent, it made me sick with the flu…(I know it sounds crazy, but I swear it did). So here I am in my room trying to sleep while fighting the flu and after I finally fell asleep, I felt this tap on my shoulder by my friend. He wanted to know if I could take him to a BOOTY CALL! Now I stood up, tried to make sure that I heard correctly and when I got myself together, I told him NO! I mean come on, how could I have taken anyone anywhere in the state I was in? This is the same guy that constantly feels sorry for himself because he can’t seem to find anyone to be with long-term. This man beats himself to death with questions about being destined to be alone. That is okay with me to an extent because the thing about him that gets me is the FACT that he HATES being - - -! He often tells me how he would change this about himself and live a normal life because he doesn’t want to go to hell. Now I understand where he is coming from, but I always say if something is bothering you, take the steps you need to change it. I mean how much of a bother is it when you are wishing for a man to hold you? How much of pain can it be to wake up a sick person to take your ass to get some dick?
What is SO interesting about our relationship is that he thinks that I am an atheist because I question the bible and constantly tell him that I don’t believe in the god that he believes in. He wishes that he could have a relationship like the one I have with Noel, and I often ask him -what God is going to allow the man you need to come into your life when you have a problem with yourself? Of course he sees that as a cheap shot from me because I am just trying to keep him from evolving. I think that he is doing such a marvelous job @ that! But all things aside, thinking about him and others out there that are doing this to themselves HURTS me like NOTHING on this planet because I CANNOT take that evolutionary step for them; they have to do it themselves. I just see him becoming this old, bitter n’ jaded human being…I’ve met many men that are this way and so many fall into this pattern when they don’t have to.
Why can’t he realize that his various sexual activities won’t yield the relationship he wants? I learned a while back that "single" doesn’t mean I can’t have a brilliant, beautiful and productive life. So sad that reality is, that he MUST learn to be happy with himself, much less someone else…Shit I feel that a - - - man in this day and time has so much more to offer when you think about how many of us have lived and are living through the HIV/ AIDS crisis that has taken so many friends and lovers. How can he not see that living in a world where relationships are often competitions for control and power, we - - - men have been socialized to "read" each other instead of communicating our concerns compassionately. His focus is the six pack abs, thug masculinity, economic superficiality and all the other unrealistic markers of this world. As gay men on very different levels of experience, I get the struggle…I get that the world that he has created is scary, but I still believe he can make a choice to face the darkness, grow in confidence that he is taking himself in the right direction and EVOLVE ALREADY!