Final 4! AGAIN! But this time for realsies. As we all
knew it would, the season came down to Chad Michaels, Latrice Royale, Sharon
Needles, and Phi Phi O'Hara. The only queen who ever really had a shot of
taking one of those spots was Willam, and who knows what the hell happened
there. In the workroom, after the girls lovingly mocked Li'l Kenya's second
goodbye message, Latrice pointed out that Chad Michaels was the only remaining
contestant not to have lipsynched. Chad argued that it's not his fault that
he's perfect. True! Sharon joked that the producers just didn't want Chad breaking
her hip. Bitch!
Speaking of bitches, they were
the theme of this week. As Alexis Carrington and Amanda Woodward can attest,
you can never go wrong with a good bitch. For the mini-challenge the dolls had
to randomly pick a puppet version of one of their competitors, drag them up,
and then put on a bitch fest. The puppets were ADORABLE. Someone get on Etsy
right now and start cranking out drag-queen puppets. That is a cottage industry
right there. Sharon got Chad and gave her really ghastly plastic-surgery lips,
but did a fine job with the comedy bits, and brought up Chad's critique, that
she needs to show some rough edges. Latrice kind of bombed with her Sharon
puppet. Chad lampooned the hell out of Phi Phi, bringing up her snaggletooth,
her alleged racism, her wigs, etc. And Phi Phi did better than I thought she
would with Latrice, but mostly because she referenced the infamous bracelet
breaking on the runway weeks ago. That was smart and cute.
The main challenge featured
bitches of a different kind. The queens were tasked with putting together three
separate looks for the Bitch Ball, an old-school ballroom drag competition. (We
all lust for a ballroom floor, hunties.) The categories were Daytime Dog Park
Realness, Pooch Party Girl, and finally Canine Couture. The last look had to be
inspired by the actual dogs brought in by the show, which were assigned to the
queens by mini-challenge winner Chad. It ended up like this:
Sharon got the standard poodle
Chad took the Chinese Crested
Latrice got a Pomeranian
Phi Phi was given a bloodhound
Phi Phi's dog kept trying to
hump him, and had a slobber problem. And Phi Phi, in her usual charming way,
was defensive and shitty about the whole thing. Just dripping with stank
attitude, that one. Chad repeatedly tried to apologize if Phi Phi interpreted
her assignment as a dig - which was stupid and unnecessary on Chad's part, I
think - but Phi Phi would have none of it. In her defense, I will say that a
bloodhound is an odd choice for this challenge. It's so cumbersome and oafish,
while the rest of the selected dogs were all pretty or had some kind of
In addition to all of the
outfits they had to put together for the runway, the Final 4 also had to
perform a Broadway-style opening number in the spirit of "Cats." Chad
and Sharon were discussing conflicting ideas, but Phi Phi came packing diva. I
understand that the stress must have been extraordinary, and the time
constraints anxiety inducing, but Phi Phi's attitude could not have been helping
that situation one bit.
Mainstage. Ru was giving us
rain-tarp realness with a shiny black vinyl-looking gown embellished with black
roses across the bust. Did not care for it. The guest judges were Rose McGowan
and Wynonna Judd. Wynonna is...severe. I would not want to cross her.
The Broadway number was
completely ridiculous, but the lip synching looked on point. It was amusing.
I'm not sure what else you say about that. As for the 12 (!) looks, Latrice did
the worst pretty much across the board. It wasn't a disaster or anything, it
was just plain and uninspiring. Phi Phi snatched Kenya's wig for her ridiculous
daytime look but really nailed the couture assignment, which was especially
impressive given that she had the toughest dog to incorporate. Chad was all
over the map in her looks, from soft "Little House on the Prairie"
housewife to matronly Cruella deVille cape-wearing baddy. (I was not a fan of
the couture look.) Sharon did well across the board, giving us totally normal
fashion plate for daytime, a hilarious rocker complete with SCRAM bracelet for
party girl, and a high-fashion fur-booted weirdo for couture. All of her looks
Critiques: McGowan liked the
Mahogany thing Latrice had going with her couture, but overall Ms. Royale
received a tepid response. Wynonna loved Phi Phi, but Michelle had an issue
with the daytime look being too cartoonish. The judges told Chad that her
couture look read too old, and her lipsynch was off. The judges gagged over
pretty much everything Sharon served up.
The inevitable Who Should Go
Home? question yielded some fiery results. Sharon said that Phi Phi should get
eliminated, specifically referencing her cutthroat attitude. Phi Phi objected
to this and called Sharon a liar. Oh, so you didn't deliberately try to lead
Jiggly down a path of certain self-destruction in the magazine challenge? You
didn't try to actually bribe Latrice to throw the "frenemy" challenge
in order to get rid of Willam? I have no problem when contestants play the game
and play to win, but OWN IT. You have been practically frothing at the mouth
for weeks now, just spewing negativity, and you're going to call Sharon a liar
for saying you have no sense of sisterhood?
For her part, Phi Phi said
that Sharon should go home. Chad also said Phi Phi because she has a lot of maturing
to do. And how! Latrice said it should be Sharon, because she's been imperfect
throughout the competition, mentioning unfinished seams, etc. Hmmm. I've barely
noticed that. But I did notice that, when she said that, Latrice herself was
standing there with...an unfinished hemline. And the judges noticed that too.
Poor timing on that one, Latrice.
Based on the judges' comments
it was obvious that it was between Sharon and Phi Phi for the win, and Chad and
Latrice for the B2. That made me sad. Sharon won! Which gives her the most wins
of the season, I believe, with four. She got some crazy-ass crystal flower body
jewelry. I don't even know what that means!
And Chad and Latrice had to
lipsynch to "No One Else on Earth" by Wynonna. Have they not
lipsynched to that song before on this show? No complaints - it's a damned good
song. Unfortunately it did not make for an even playing ground here. We learned
that Chad is a great lipsyncher. No surprise. She was fierce, a total pro, a
real entertainer. Great energy. Latrice, who had never lipsynched to a country
song before, was out of her element, but tried her best (although the synch was
Chad was saved, and Latrice
went home, but not before a very tearful and wonderful goodbye speech to RuPaul
about what an inspiration she has been to Latrice, and how she has changed the
drag world forever. That is a pro, and a wonderful soul, right there. Class!
Class class class! Every subsequent big girl on this show has a new benchmark,
that's for sure. I am gutted that she will not be in the finale. Instead we're
stuck with goddamned Phi Phi, and two of the strongest contestants this series
has ever seen.
Next week: unseen footage!
Drag-queen farts! And Willam IS...Smurfette!
SOURCE: CITY NEWSPAPER ENTERTAINMENT